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06/30/2003 Entry: "Updated
Employee Handbook (Joke)"
Here is an Updated
Employee Handbook Document (28k file) I found in an email sent
to me. I thought it was VERY amusing considering some of the circumstances
at some work places. I've actually had to live through some of this
while I was working in the private sector. It makes me feel very
lucky to be working in the public sector now.
Here's a few excerpts.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach
of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
If you want to read more, just click on read more.
Click
here to download the Updated Employee Handbook Document (28k file)
Updated Employee Handbook
(Effective Immediately)
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying
a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore
you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore
you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you
need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider
removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same
time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort
should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we
require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your
own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical
order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will
go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will
go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes
again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with
a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange
in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit
in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and
a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need
to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get
15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average
figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
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