Gemelle's Library of Jokes
Noah and the Government

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Noah and the Government

If Noah had lived in the United States
in the 1990s (or even 2000),
the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,
"In one year, I am going to make
it rain and cover the whole earth with
water until all flesh is destroyed.

But I want you to save the righteous
people and two of every kind of
living thing on earth. Therefore, I
am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered
the specifications for an Ark.
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans
and agreed to build the ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "you must
complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm
clouds covered the earth and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw that Noah was
sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the
Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah.
"I did my best, but there were
big problems. First, I had to get a permit
for construction, and your
plans did not meet the building codes. I
had to hire an engineering firm
and redraw the plans. Then I got into a
fight with OSHA over whether or
not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and
approved floatation devices.

Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was
violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so
I had to get a variance from the
city planning commission.

"Then, I had problems getting enough
wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the
Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I
really needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't
let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went
on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have
16 carpenters on the Ark, but
still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other
animals, an animal rights group
sued me. They objected to me taking
only two of each kind aboard.
This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA
notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood.

They didn't take very kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction
over the conduct of the Creator of the
Universe. Then, the Army Corps
of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
               
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a
complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that
I am practicing discrimination
by not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has
seized my assets, claiming
that I'm building the Ark in preparation to
flee the country to avoid
paying taxes. I just got a notice from the
state that I owe them some kind
of user tax and failed to register the Ark
as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts
to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it's a religious event, and,
therefore unconstitutional. I
really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another five or six years." Noah waited.

The sky began to clear, the sun began
to shine, and the seas began to
calm. A rainbow arced across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You
mean you're not going to destroy the
earth, Lord?"
               
"No," He said sadly. "I don't have
to. The government already has."

Last Updated: 09/01/01